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Posts Tagged ‘astrology’

I hide.

In a stressful or confrontational situation my first inclination is to hide, run away, become invisible. Sometimes physically, sometimes metaphorically. Even after that situation has stopped it takes a lot of courage for me to stop hiding.

For years I’ve known that I’ve hidden behind masks (pre-exchange to Thailand) and behind a thick emotional wall that rarely let anyone in. I conceptualised people in my life as belonging to various circles of closeness. Being aware of who had made it past which protective wall and could be trusted with what aspect of my true self. Heart family, spirit family. There’s a very, very sensitive core inside that not many people see, extroverted introvert.

However, this morning, after a particularly trying, and in various ways lonely, couple of days I realised that actually, behind that wall that I always knew was there is also a set of caves.

Sand Mine detour

This is where I hide. The wall keeps people out, I hide in the caves. (Yay Moon in Cancer!). Anytime that I feel like I’m a disappointment to someone, any aggressive situation, some noisy situations, particular tones of voice, or facial expressions, any time I don’t acknowledge what I need for emotional support and plough on through pretending it’s all OK or don’t get what I need for emotional support when I do know what it is, or feel that someone has completely and unfairly misjudged me, I retreat into these caves.

This morning I realised I was a few levels down.

On the other hand at least I realised it, which has helped in coaxing me back out again, looking at the fears and needs. Taking some actions, like calling girlfriends.

Looking back there are entire periods of my life where I’ve lived obliviously in these safe, warm caves. The caves which prevent me from actually dealing with issues or forming deep relationships.

The flip-side to this (thanks Leo Rising!) is that I’m also really good at the facade of not hiding, to be safe you can’t actually let anyone know that you’re hiding, they might try to drag you out or attack you. Stoicism, pretending I’m coping, being gregarious, very chatty, a social butterfly, being efficient or logical can all be smokescreens to the fact that I’m retreating further into those caves. Crab-like. Not always, but they do sometimes form this function.

In some ways it does feel like a crab by the seaside. Scuttling away under a rock at the first hint of danger, and then slowly, checking at every step, inching back out into the light, always ready to hide again.

It’s a trust thing. Trusting it’s OK to come back out. Love will do it, as will compassion, geneuine friendship and demonstration that someone notices and cares, certain places draw me back out, as do certain practices (morning cafes) and habits. The sense that I am safe and am in control enough that I won’t disappoint anyone, or myself. I’m realising how much of my life is predicated on not really trusting that anyone actually cares or notices.

On the plus side, I’m writing this out and sharing it, rather than hiding it away again. Metaphors help in many, many ways.

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One: I just discovered the coolest thing. I can touch type well enough to type an email with my eyes closed. Resting and working at the same time!!

Two: This article is quite useful for my potential future lifestyle. Also, I’d like to do a study on articles with the keywords: environment, packaging and climate and see which of the two has a greater hit rate. It would be climate, but not by much I expect. Apparently you can save the world by only addressing packaging since it’s the bad child in this equation (and not, say massive over-consumption of everything. Wait, this is supposed to be a short post, not a long rant)

Three: As a short distraction from my very busy day, which follows on from a very busy week in a very busy month (all at work, socially, it’s dead, but that’s because of study) I took time out to read Mystic Medusa’s astrology blog, as she’s always amusing. Had to laugh at this. And at this description of one of her publications:

Saturn is now in Virgo, a much better place for the planet of fabulous results via non-stop slog than Leo. Mystic Medusa & Kim Falconer once again join forces to bring you 10,000 words of sign-by-sign usable, jargon-free info for turning Saturn through Virgo into an astute and supportive astro-influence. Saturn responds to WORK. Where it is in your chart is where you have to be super-straight and work like a banshee. It is also where you will shine.
Saturnalia will be relevant until October 2009. Yes folks, that is how long Saturn remains in Virgo.

Maybe that explains the overwork in ALL areas of my life, being a Virgo and all. It also explains the need to close my eyes at my desk. See point 2. Bring on November!

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Virgo

I pulled a small book from my bookshelf today, one that I had purchased years ago. The Mystic Medusa’s Surreal Field Guide: Virgo. The Mystic Medusa does amusing astrological readings, and doesn’t take herself too seriously, which is what I want in a prediction.

Randomly flicked through a few sections and here are some sections that made me laugh:

“It is astrologically impossible for a Virgo to be a der.”(that one is for you my dear derrbrain astrological twin)

“The astro motto is “I analyse”. Virgos don’t have a problem with the cliched ‘not being able to see the forest for the trees’ scenario. They see the forest, trees and early stages of leaf mould or little bug burrows in the undergrowth.”

From Dr Illich: “He aimed to analyse institutionalised structures of industrialised society, provide rigorous criticism and a set of alternative concepts” For why this one tickled my fancy read the saving the world section in this post.

“Yes, they are perfectionists. No, that does not mean that all Virgoans are up at dawn doing yoga stretches, extra-special toothcare and making sure they’re up with current affairs. But this is the curse of Virgo. The ones who aren’t doing that sort of thing are horribly aware that they should be.”

I just ran around Mystic Medusa’s site and found the oracles, which are fun. The results of the following questions amused me, and hit a chord.

“‘What Is Between Me & Success?’ – Lack of Initiative”
“‘Lovely Me: Am I Truly In Touch With My Emotions?’- Not really – you’re a bit numb but this is temporary.”

Of course these are generated from random numbers, but fun and thought-provoking.

That’s enough procrastination from house cleaning. Time to indulge that truly Virgo cleaning trait…

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