It’s 2.51pm on a Monday afternoon. Technically we’re supposed to be signing a lease today.

We’re supposed to be out of our current place in time for an inspection on Wednesday evening.

Currently, we are still waiting the landlord’s permission to move in, as there was a mix up with our guarantor forms going to the estate agent. It sat in her spam folder for 4 days, and it’s taking more than a working day to check the references.

This is cutting it very fine. Almost too fine. The Newtown rental market was never this bad.

Everybody cross fingers. Please.

As my lovely sister pointed out, I’ve not done an update in a while. Sorry, work got really busy and involved, which reduced my time and brain power for writing here. Which, in turn, is a shame for communicating with all of you, and fantastic for feeling a lot happier at work.

This mirrors my current headspace in general. Life has become much happier and more stable in recent weeks. It feels like I’m definitely out of the adjustment-freakout period of moving countries and into the wing-spreading and sorting-out-finer-details period. It’s lovely.

No, not a car performance award This is a continuation of an idea I blogged about in September 2006 (for those of you around at the time, that post might be an interesting reflection of our lives then, and things that have changed) as well as a continuation of the October 30 post, in which I start to think about the coming year.

It seemed timely to talk about how my contemplative year is structured, the way it has naturally evolved and creates some balance through the year. Time to be active and time to stop.  believe in living a balanced life, where all aspects are giving proper times and weightings. Not the same time or weighting, but the proper amounts.

I also tend to observe patterns and cycles and structure. (I just had a manager state that I had a mind that could bring structure to an idea, I should put that on LinkedIn).

For the past few years, I have observed that my contemplative year tends to conform to the follow cycles:

This is represents the phases that my attention to my journey through life goes through. Blue is planning/reflection, yellow is social/festival time, Orange-Brown is getting things done time, stuff that relates to the yearly theme, stuff that relates to living.

My year seems to align with the solar cycle. This is not deliberate, or a pagan thing, it’s more that I’ve observed these points as markers in my year.

These are not mutually exclusive states, more broad themes, and permissions to be in a certain headspace, or not at certain times. For instance my nose is not to the grindstone to the exclusion of everything else between Of course I enjoy my life, everyday if I can. Right now I am allowed to have very little idea of goals and plans, as its a time to incubate them, consider them, try them on for size and fit.

So, between now and sort of mid-December I find that I am generally reflecting on where I’m at, who I am, where I am going and what my hopes are. There’s social fun and relaxation in there too, Turkey Day for instance – although I suspect there will be less of that here in winter, than in Sydney when this is the beginning of a busy social season.

Then I put that to one side in my head over Christmas/New Year’s as that’s a time for sharing with friends and family.

February 2 is a special event with water and flowers and asking for favours from the greater universe over the coming year, so becomes the point at which everything is more solidified and specific.

Chinese New Year feels more New Year ish in terms of activity than January does. Don’t know why.

Then there’s sort of a period of time which is neither hugely social, not hugely reflective. Stuff tends to get done, but not because I am pushing, it’s just that’s what tends to happen.

Then, here, summer happens, and this year  I noticed that summer sort of flew by as we were enjoying light and warmth and long days, hence I was more focussed on social and relaxation than I would have been in Australia, and I expect this will continue

Then, again, another inbetween period, autumn, until October 30 when I celebrate being free and light and happy and living the life I dream of.

It’s Tuesday. I don’t deal well with Tuesday at the best of times. However, today I have the added distraction/frustration of waiting for the (real) estate agents to confirm we can move in this weekend, and hoping to get a call about a 2nd interview for the job I want.

Not dealing so well with the waiting, the holding pattern. Just want these things to fall into place, now, so I can get on with the other things I’m supposed to be doing.

So this is me, a bundle of anxiety in the corner waiting for the blessed change to come through. Desperately wanting stage 2 to start. Soon.

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Edit:

Well, one holding pattern removed, and one added. we were rejected for the property we applied for, because we’re both working on contracts, so we were deemed a risk for rent default. However, they also would not accept a guarantor and did not contact our personal references, or take into account that we’ve never defaulted on a rental payment. Really, really frustrating.

So, back on the finding a house treadmill

Really unhappy, frustrated and grumpy.

(as an antidote to the long posts)

1. I find I get inordinately offended if anyone implicitly questions my honesty and honour.
2. I inadvertently ate some fresh chillis at lunch. Now I am all spacey and concentrating is a particular challenge, but it also feels like I am incredibly focussed and skillful. It’s a very strange intolerance that I have.
3. I just found a tiny muscle under my jaw that is tight on the left hand side, but not the right. Evidence that my back/neck issues are also jaw related, something most practictioners have never picked up on.
4. Reading the free papers available at train stations makes me depressed. Reading WIRED magazine, or a proper broadsheet paper does not.

Another two weeks have passed since I wrote a weekly update. It’s been a combination of busy work (finally!), waiting to get some photos uploaded, and then a down period in the middle of last week which means that the post I wanted to write would have been more down than it deserved to be. We’ve all had enough of down posts recently. At least I have. I’m starting to worry that you’re all going to think I’m a big puddle of sadness and depression and homesick, when there are moments of fun and happiness and comfort. So, on with the last two weeks:

Funghi on log in Banstead woods. Autumn = leaves and mushrooms!

I am realising/remembering tht one of the most difficult aspects of living in a new country is the isolation that occurs in the first period, while you rebuild the networks that seemed so effortless and normal in your home country. I know this eventually gets better, and it’s part of the process.

I can distinctly remember learning the Thai word for lonely early on in my year of exchange, and a sympathetic ‘aunt’ [1] who spent one afternoon telling me, and everyone else on my family’s compound that I was ngaow- (lonely).

It’s becoming apparent, now that things are settling down here, exactly how isolated and lonely I have been, which is difficult for a social creature such as myself.

This is your 5 month warning:

My wonderful sister has decided to get married in late March next year, so I am going to be in Sydney again sooner than expected. With Jed.

Yay sister marrying fantastic guy! Yay March is one of my favourite times of the year in Sydney! Yay being able to see people that I’ve been missing lots! (apparently this is another Yay post – might need a new tag)

We’ve starting talking about what we want to do, and the major thing is – see people! We’ve not booked the tickets yet, but I imagine we’ll be there from around 21st March until about 4th April. So, make a note, find time for coffee/beer/lunch/amusing diversionary entertainment, I’ll probably organise at least one central pub-type gathering in Newtown (yay Newtown!)

Incidentally they’ve chosen a date that is exactly one year since I stepped on a plane. Spooky!

-I went through all the photos of my sister and I, and decided that this was the one that made us both look equally good, also it has the awwww factor appropriate for this post. This was my 30th brithday cake, as made by my sister, a replica of the one my mother made for my 1st birthday-

It’s 3 years.

3 years since one part of my life fell apart.

BUT

It’s 3 years since I decided that I was now free

I was now able to choose to live my life the way I wanted

To not be apologetic for being me

Since I decided to set out on the quest to learn how to live a life of fulfilment and happiness. Joy and Hope.

In those 3 years I:

• Travelled to the UK and Paris twice and the US once, to Melbourne numerous times, Tasmania 3 or 4 times, and the Great Barrier Reef once
• Had various adventures, danced through life and bounced for happiness and joy
• Drank tea on a rooftop, drank wine on another one, danced in the rain, cuddled trees, discussed philosophy on balconies at dusk
• Met lots of lovely people, learned what it is to love friends and be loved back. Discovered many members of my heart and my spirit families
• Shared a home with a wonderful woman. We shared food, thoughts, care and concern. A comfortable place to be, and my first home in a long time
• Learned how emotionally strong I am, and how I deal with stress
• Learned what my ideal life is like
• Had a brilliant job, with fantastic colleagues, that was all I could want at that stage of my career
• Lost 15 kgs, and became stylish, but also wore knee-high stripey socks and fun hats
• Learned the principles of being an adult, chief that being an adult means realising no-one is going to do that difficult task for you.
• Was an internet DJ for 18 months and learned that I CAN tell an interesting story
• Have seen the Cat Empire in concert 6 times, and re-discovered an appreciation of music that I thought I’d lost
• Have become an excellent intuitive cook, and appreicator of good food
• Met the man I was supposed to meet, and moved to the UK to be with him

On this day every year I remember, and am thankful for the fact that part of my life fell apart. For the intense phoenix journey that was the following 18 months, and the changeable journey of the last 18 months. And I start to look forward to the next 12-18 months and start to wonder what it might bring.

Yes, apparently it also works the other way around. Or maybe that’s just me. What I realised this week is that I always, always, always need somewhere to call home. It stabilises me, keeps me centred, grounded, happy.

I was very homesick last week. Physically, wistfully homesick. Specifically for a certain house in Newtown, the one I used to live in. The only place I really called home in 10 years of moving through rentals all over the Inner West of Sydney. I remembered its light and airy quality, its smells, its colours, but most importantly the sense of purpose and control I had living in MY HOME (with my fantastically awesome flatmate).

Since then I’ve not lived in my home, always someone else’s. My sister and her fiance wonderfully gave me somewhere to live while I waited for my visa to come through. But, that was her home, and I was an itinerant rellie living out of a suitcase.

The place we’ve been living in Redhill has not been home. It is too crowded – 3 of us in a two bedroom flat, with a 4th every 2 weeks. This means 3 people sleeping in the same room every two weeks. There’s no space when we’re all at home, which actually leads to isolation as people carve out their own silences whilst sitting right next to each other. This makes breaking down barriers even more difficult. A lot of the things around the place are left-over from previous (male) flatmates, cast offs and hand-me-downs and the vibe is very bachelor pad/student flat. Which I vowed to never go back to once I started earning a decent amount. It was making me hit the edge of depression again. Very worrying.

It was supposed to be temporary. A stop on the way to a shinier future. Only the temporary dragged on, and on, and on, for various reasons.

One of the results of the week of rest and low drama was that I had mental time to shine a spotlight on this and realise WE NEEDED TO MOVE! Our place, our space, a lovely house.

Thankfully on Friday we found a place, further up the train line towards London, but not quite in London (like being in Strathfield – it’s a rapid train trip of 10-15 minutes into the centre). 2 bedrooms, so L now has her own space and won’t be sleeping on cushions at the foot of our bed. There’s some back steps for sitting on and drinking hot drinks (I’d seriously missed an inviting back step, the backstep here is too dark, cold and yin for me to spend time there). It’s a 1st floor converted flat in a big Victorian terrace, with a bay window at the front (our bedroom) and has ample storage space. Oh, and the rent is fantastically cheap, which was Jed’s major stress.  We’re moving in mid-November.

I’ve spent the last few days running around smiling, saying “Housey-house!”. Jed says that I’m laughing again, and it had been so long that he’d forgotten what that laugh sounds like. He looks a lot lighter, happier, like he did while we were in Sydney.

Hence the title: Heart is where the home is. My heart went missing while it didn’t have a home to be in. Shortly I will have a home again, and hopefully it should hang around for quite a while.

————————

The other major news of the week is that Jed has decided to go teetotal for the 2 months to Christmas. This was also the result of the week of rest and low drama. I realised that holding on some sort of grim desperation that it would all get better if I kept waiting patiently and not rocking the boat was not actually affecting any change.

He’d become reliant on alcohol to address life’s frustrations.  It was seriously affecting both of us. Anyone with a FB account will probably have noticed Jed’s side of the story. My nature is to remain stoically brave and patient and cheerful. Early last week I came close to running out of my ability to carry the weight.

He’d rather not live that way, I’d rather he didn’t live that way. We don’t need to live that way.

The change has been fantastic, even in one week. A bit rough for the couple of days afterwards, as was to be expected. I’m very thankful and very proud that he made that decision after realising there was an issue, after realising what was most important to him. As each day goes by my level of trust that he can do this and in the wonderful promise for our lives that existed when I first arrived increases and becomes more solid.

-Oh, and did I mention: HOUSEY-HOUSE!

Edit: As an addendum. I realised last night how much of the stress of the past few months was a direct result of an underlying personality clash with my flatmate.

The horrible, hiding stress came back last night and I realised that the only thing that had changed was a 1 hour session in which he talked at, over or around everyone else in the room and made some very passive critical remarks about the living arrangments. Which made me realise that the stress/depression started soon after he moved in.

I’m relieved to work out (but also a bit annoyed) that we almost gave up the most important thing to both of us because we needed to manage our relationships with a 3rd, temporary person in our lives. And absolutely releived that it will only be another 2-3 weeks.